Although I have tried to get involved with fundraising efforts in New York City, many of these have been feeble to say the least. Remarks from Oxfam, a British aid agency, about international aid could as just easily be applied to assistance from expatriates.

"Much of the funding is coming too little, too late, with only three weeks of good weather left to get tents, blankets and food into the devastated region," Oxfam said.

One fundraising dinner I was helping out with never happened. The appeals desk managed by the Overseas Pakistani Society at Columbia University seemed lonesome every time I walked past it. Though the week of the quake was filled with novel ideas and talk of noble gestures, many of these never materialized.

The thought of not having contributed sufficiently from here makes me feel even worse when I read the following e-mail.

Mom: "It is getting colder in the northern areas and there aren't enough tents there. Ironically, those who have tents are afraid of lighting camp fires for fear of the tent burning down, as has happened in a few cases. Things are bad -- very bad. I am trying to help as much as I can. Your father just spent two weeks in Muzaffarbad, helping with first-aid tents."

I tell myself my parents are doctors and so much more useful in such a disaster. I try reassuring myself one more unqualified person on the ground won't make much of a difference. Even to my ears, this excuse sounds feeble. Anum, my younger sister: "Asho apa (elder sister), I am scared. What if the earthquake comes again? What if it comes when I am asleep and takes away everything? I am scared. When will you come back?"

Anum's e-mail almost made me pack my bags -- almost.

Omar, a friend: "It's past midnight here in Lahore. I'm sitting in a driveway in one of the posh parts of town, watching students from the Lahore University of Management Sciences load a truck with food, tents and other emergency supplies. Under the truck, a Pathan driver (from the northern areas) lights up a hashish joint, preparing for the 48 hours of straight driving he faces.

"Four of the students are members of the university's mountaineering club and are certified paramedics. Another four spent the past two days at a local graveyard 'training' as makeshift gravediggers. All in all, a dozen of them are taking time off from academics to head up to some of the worst hit areas to volunteer their services.

"It's strange sitting here, at home, in Lahore, watching this tragedy unfold. "Here, in Lahore, the effects of the earthquake are relatively distant. And used to being surrounded by the despair of poverty, us Pakistanis have made an art form out of inuring ourselves to this most recent calamity.

"Still, the shock of it, the sheer unexpectedness makes it hard to ignore." LUMS was only a couple of minutes from my house. I can't imagine the scene described, unfolding in the courtyard of Lahore's premier business school. It all seems so unfamiliar from the city. I left only a couple of months ago.

Huma, a social worker: "We are all fine. If you really want to help then raise funds wherever you are. Write to doctors' organizations to volunteer to come down. Track down artificial limbs companies and (attempt) to get them to donate massively ... and we will need them asap when the dust settles."

Abbas, a former colleague: "It seems surreal. For the past two weeks, I have been endlessly reporting on the quake. I travel into the worst affected areas, hear stories of loss, type them out, and go to sleep. A few hours later, I am back at my desk.

"Looking at the various volunteer organizations working tirelessly around me, I am beginning to feel useless. And guilty and selfish. Not sure I can go on for long."

Abbas continued at his job, just as I continued at mine. Though I went along preparing for the courses I was taking at Columbia University, a part of me remained in Pakistan. Every time, I read a news item about the desperate need for aid or the pitiable conditions of survivors, I found myself wondering why I wasn't going back. E-mail like the one from Bushra below only served to remind me of all the reasons why I ought to return.

Bushra, a friend: "Are you coming back? You should. Pakistan needs all the help it can get. The government seems paralyzed and aren't doing anyone any good. I have taken time off from work and will be helping out at a camp near Muzaffarabad.

"I can't believe this has happened, and that too in Kashmir where many were already so destitute. They didn't deserve it. But then, can anyone ever deserve such a tragedy."

I was dumbfounded by the cruelty of Mother Nature. No one deserves such a tragedy, but war-ridden, battle-weary Kashmir even less so than others. For more than 50 years, Kashmir has been the site of escalating violence between Pakistan and India.

Deaths are common in this province. Almost everyone has lost someone in the cross-fire between the two countries. The few who were spared the tragedy of war, probably suffered in the quake.

Hassan, a younger cousin: "Why has this happened during Ramadan? Why would Allah do this to good Muslims? What do you think? What is the reason? "I was asking dado (grandmother) this yesterday, and she said she had no answers. That this was all Allah's will. But I am sure there is an answer somewhere. I just don't know where."

I know I should have answered Hassan the same way our grandmother did. The institutions most severely hit by the earthquake were religious schools and seminaries, which is why many Pakistan is were forced to ask the questions Hassan was asking.

Younger sister: "In school today we launched a drive to collect clothes. I am going to donate all the clothes I have. Well, maybe not all of them, but many of them. Mama said she has sent the Kashmiris a lot of money. You should send them money, too, for they need a lot of help.

"When are you coming back? You should come and help and write stories about these people so other people would help them. You should come back soon." This e-mail went painfully unanswered.

All rights reserved. � 2004 Agence France-Presse. Sections of the information displayed on this page (dispatches, photographs, logos) are protected by intellectual property rights owned by Agence France-Presse. As a consequence, you may not copy, reproduce, modify, transmit, publish, display or in any way commercially exploit any of the content of this section without the prior written consent of Agence France-Presse.

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